


Waiting Words

by newskyillusion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Dumb People Being Dumb, Fluff and Angst, Get Together, HEA, James is South Asian, Lily and James have vow renewal, Lupin is a writer, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Sirius Black is stupid but has sexy tattoos, Sirius an Remus had a fling seventh year, Sirius is a mechanic, Sirius is biracial, sex with feelings, there is no Voldemort, turns out its called having feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24704893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newskyillusion/pseuds/newskyillusion
Summary: Once upon a time, during their seventh year at Hogwarts Sirius Black kissed Remus Lupin, which turned out to be a year long fling. However, now a decade or so after both men think that it might have been more than that but they're too dumb to take any action.Fortunately they have good friends who try to talk some sense into them during James and Lily's vow renewal in a small Scottish B&BOh, and there's no Voldemort in this world, everybody is very happy and alive.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	Waiting Words

  
  


Remus Lupin did not believe in luck and even if it hit him straight in the face, he would still doubt its existence.

So when he got the email from his agent saying that yes, it was true, Lion House was really interested in publishing — actually publishing, in real paper with a real contract, not a shady deal that could disappear as well as his royalties — his newest urban fantasy LGBTQ series, the first thing he did was to shut the laptop, get the vodka out of the freezer, drink a shot, then another, come back to the desk and check if the email was still there.

It was.

“Well, fuck me,” he muttered under his breath, the vodka shot still in his hands and his whole body feeling all warm and fuzzy. In his small flat that he barely bought with his parent’s inheritance, Remus Lupin put his face in his hands and started to cry.

No, it was no luck, definitely not. It was his persistence, his sheer stubbornness that got him where he was now; with almost seven self-published books under his belt, and now with a contract, a real one, one that could change  _ everything.  _ The people he would be working with; the marketing team that was a real deal, and not a thirty-something year old man who is also the author of the book trying his best to win the battle with the Instagram algorithm. 

He should be happy. He was happy. It meant that he was  _ right _ , that throughout his life he was right about this thing, this little thing that was his and only his. Sometimes it went well: there were days when he wrote entire chapters and plotted the books in one sitting. There were also days when he would lay on his couch, pet his cat and listen to Hozier all day long.

This contract meant that there were alternatives to the old “write a book, edit it until you bleed out and query it for a year and a half” and that they worked as well as the ‘traditional’ way. Self publishing has been paying his bills — with some freelance work — for quite some time, but now… oh, the possibilities seemed infinite!

Remus gasped suddenly and straightened in his chair.

“Cesar,” he said to his orange tabby that he found in a bush in his garden. Cesar was laying on a purple pillow Remus laid on his desk every day before work and opened one eye curiously. “I might even go on tour.”

Excitement filled him and he answered his agent not in all caps and exclamation marks, to be sure, closed the computer for the day. 

A sigh of relief escaped his lips. If he did it right, if he wrote well and if all the stars and planets aligned with him he might get a shot at it and be in for a haul longer than initially planned.

He grabbed his phone with giddy excitement wanting to tell somebody, anybody, about this but stopped with a thumb hovering over his contact list. James was probably crunching at work as he had a Very Important Auror Report to give to his superiors in a day, so calling him now would only interfere with his work. Lily was busy with Harry and planning the vow renewal, the last time he called Peter was a week ago and he didn’t think his friend would appreciate him bragging about his successes at work when he himself was standing under a big, red question mark.

When he saw the next name he winced, and something sharp and pointy stabbed at his heart. It was over ten years ago, he thought to himself, seeing the name. You didn’t keep in touch close enough so that should be telling you something.

But it still hurt. Still there was a pang of something unresolved, truths that should be shared.

_ I had the biggest crush on you and when you kissed me at the beginning of the seventh year I thought that I was going to die from happiness. _

_ That shag under the Silencio charm was the best one up to date. _

_ I wish that I had the nerve to tell you that I love you. _

He sighed, the name mocking him from the screen of his phone.

Sirius Black.

Remus sighed, blocked his screen and decided that he deserved the wine and the long bath. He earned it. 

  
  


Three days later in the middle of his writing session his phone lit up and from the screen he could see a disheveled face of James Potter who was grinning almost hysterically to the photo, his narrow wire glasses crooked on his handsome face, cheeks pink from the alcohol he consumed during his wedding reception.

“Hi, sorry, saw your message but I went to sleep for twelve hours after giving back the report, what’s up mate?” Asked James. He sounded tired but alive which was good: his job as an Auror was demanding and the paperwork was never ending but Remus knew that this was what the other man had wanted to do since sixth year — except playing Quidditch professionally — and even thought he could not see his lovely wife for a week straight he still wouldn’t change his job for any other.

Remus smiled at the phone, put down his own glasses and said: “I got the contract.”

There was a long silence on the other end and Remus was just about to open his mouth and ask if James heard what he just said when there was a sudden crash and glass breaking; James swore and said: “Remus that’s fucking fantastic, I think I broke Lily’s favourite mug in excitement!!”

Lupin laughed, standing up from his battered chair. Cesar opened one eye from his pillow but closed it as soon as Remus started pacing his room.

“Seriously Remus, that’s fantastic,” James’ voice was soft and full of pride; Remus felt his chest swell. “I am so proud of you, you deserved it.”

Lupin’s vision started to go blurry and he had to blink rapidly. “Thanks, it means a lot.”

“Yeah, they would be proud too.” Said James and Remus felt his throat thicken with emotion. His father's death was a hard hit, but his mother dying suddenly, three months after his dad was what brought him down nearly to his knees. If it wasn’t for James and Lily he wouldn’t have been able to sell his parent’s house and buy the flat with a small garden when he could get away from the world for the next year and half. 

He was getting better at going out — long walks with Lily and little Harry were helping tremendously — but there were still moments when grief stung in his chest like hammered glass. 

“Well, in other news: we have an update on the renewal of the wedding vows!” said James and Remus could see him smiling to the phone and it was difficult to not do the same.

“Oh?” asked Remus.

“My dear friend, get ready: we’re going to Scotland!” 

_ *** _

“A where now?” Asked Sirius wiping his oil stained hands with a rag and then throwing it to the nearest chair, not even looking if he missed which he didn’t. Not after all the Quidditch trainings that have been drilled into him.

“To Scotland!” Said James, all happiness and smiles looking so out of place in his brown tweed jacket and suit pants in Sirius’ garage that the other man had to smile. 

“Scotland, huh?” Sirius put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow at his best friend. “And whose idea was that?” He said, which was a rhetorical question, because he already knew.

“It was Lily’s,” said James and Sirius laughed.

“Of course it was.”

“Well, she always wanted an autumn wedding!”

“Of course she did.”

“And, well” James started squirming under Sirius' gaze, shifting from left foot to the right just like he used to at school when McGonagall caught them doing  _ something _ which probably was against all the rules and started asking questions that mostly began with James’ surname. “We are financially stable, Harry is old enough to know what he is doing and saying” Debatable, though Sirius, thinking about the last time he saw Harry and how he was playing a game called ‘throw every fruit you can find as hard as you can’, but did not stop his friend. “And we thought: fuck it, you only live once you know?”

Sirius just shook his head with a knowing smile on his lips. “Mate, I know you love her, I’m just fucking with you.”

James sighed and rolled his eyes. “You’ll never leave me off the hook, will you?”

“Your nervous squirming adds at least half a year to my life, so you can forget about that.”

“Shut up. Will you come?” Asked James, eyes wide open, questioning. 

“Of course I will come, was that even a question? I would love to have a dance with Evans and drink you under the table” James let out a long breath as if he was holding it and crossed the distance between them and hugged Sirius not even remotely bothered that the other man smelled like motor oil, sweat and green tea.

Sirius hugged him back and clapped James on the back. 

“It would be so nice to finally have the whole gang together, you know?” Said James to Sirius’ neck and took a step back. “Really nice.”

The second man nodded but something bubbled inside his stomach, acidic and sour. 

James stayed for an hour, babbling happily all about the plans he and Lily made; the bed and breakfast they were renting, “The whole thing Sirius, there’s going to be like at least fifty people there!”, the DJ they snatched at the last moment, photographer friends from Lily’s job who agreed to document everything for half a price. When he was done there was a redness to his dark cheeks that he always got when talking about his wife, his son or his family in general.

Sirius listened, asked questions when he could which was a polite thing to do, but his mind was drifting towards “It would be so nice to finally have the whole gang together” which James said with such a hope and excitement in his voice that Sirius felt ashamed of even thinking about plans not going James’ way. 

He sighed heavily after closing the garage door after James, resting his forehead on the cold, metal door.

_ “It would be so nice to finally have the whole gang together” _

“Fuck,” he said and leaned back, hand still holding the handle tightly, knuckles white. “Well, fuck.”

A face flashed before his eyes, one that he tried very hard not to think about. A boy his age, all lean muscles but still with bones sticking out here and there, looking at him from where he was laying on the pillows, the curly brown hair making a halo around his head, mouth slick with saliva and red from kissing, a ragged breaths that he took, the pale skin dotted with even paler scars. He could remember how they felt under his mouth like he could see the tattoos that adorned his two hands from his wrists up to his collarbone.

And he could also remember the same face, older this time, all the gautness that they made fun of in their younger years gone, replaced with the sort of solidity that itched to be touched, looking at him him from the other side of James’ kitchen island, a small smile on his lips looking at him as if he saw a ghost of the past.

Sirius did not like the look. It made his fingers itch and prickle with a sort of electricity that wouldn’t go away until there was nothing but distance between him and Remus Lupin. 

_ “It would be so nice to finally have the whole gang together” _ said James and although it was true he knew deep down in his gut that for some of them there was no going back.

If only there was a possibility Sirius would instantly take the opportunity to travel to his seventh year a few day, rights after he kissed Remus for the first time and the other boy kissed him back, just to shake his younger version and scream “Just tell him how you feel, it is alright to say those things out loud.”

But he didn’t. Not then and not now which was why he was in this whole fucking mess that ‘unfinished business’ wouldn’t even describe. 

He checked the closed doors and looked around his garage. He never thought about expanding it or opening a second shop, although he knew he could do that. “Black’s” was his and only his, his first and only child, a pride and joy for this thirty-five year old single man. It cost him a lot: money, time, stress, nerves. But six years after opening for the first time he still marveled at how well things looked, how he still got that flutter in his stomach when he looked at motorcycles his clients left for him to take care of. They left them there because they knew he was the best, not overpriced, would not bullshit them or scam them over. Just as he was honest about his work he expected the honesty back, not only in the professional matters, something he learned far too late in his life. 

Sirius meticulously closed the shop, fulfilling his evening routine and he would be lying if his thoughts didn’t come back to the seventh year when he felt like a king or even a god, especially when he had a moaning Remus underneath him. He was drunk on, what? Want? Lust? Yes and yes to both of these things, but too slowly did he realise that it might have been something else that made him feel that way. It snuck up on him pretending to be the lust and the want and then kicked him in the shin, smiling like a wild animal ready to attack. “Surprise, motherfucker,” it said. “It’s me, Love, you dickhead: watch me run away now, forever!”

Sirius Black laughed that he was too fast; for his parents to claim him and mold him into them, for their people to fill his mind with the classicist bullshit, for teachers at Hogwarts to catch him. His emotions and his awareness, thought? He was too slow to catch up to  _ them _ . 

With the last tools put down where they were supposed to be, Sirius glanced back at his garage that could store up to five motorcycles at maximum and turned the lights off. Doing all his work manually always gave his mind the reset he needed after all day of blasting rock music — not that he had anything against it, he had to keep some sort of appearance as an old school but hot shot mechanic — and the darkness enveloped him in a cocoon that smelled like oil and sweat and he could breathe again. 

Above the garage was his office filled with documents, taxes, orders and invoices paid and unpaid, but Sirius ignored all of that opening the door on the opposite side of his office which opened to a huge space that he first called home six years ago. Until opening his own business he used to rent rooms with various flatmates to save some cash and working in other people’s garages was all learning and fun but his bones sang a song of something that belonged only to him. He threw the keys into the bowl that stood on a shoe rack and flicked the lights. 

The apartment was spacious and definitely more than he needed. Mismatched furniture new and used reflected a striking image of the owner of this place: a person with a double personality that still clung to what was but tried to look at the future at the same time. Old, dark green kitchen that seemed to melt into the marble kitchen island — the only things that Sirius had made especially for his loft — then seemingly turned into the living room with a table and a set of five chairs. Then there was the battered old coach, the only thing out of place, which Sirius dragged from his first place and would not get rid of it. The TV was sitting on some Ikea white set and behind it, cut off by a dark green curtain — he was supposed to come up with a better arrangement, but it’s been a couple of years and the curtain was working so it stayed — was his king sized bed and a wardrobe. He thought about getting a bed with a canopy that would remind him of Hogwart, but he has already finished school and although there were many, many good memories connected with that place, there were also some that hunted him in his nightmares and threatened to get through to him during his darkest hours. 

With a small sigh Sirius put the kettle on for tea and absentmindedly touched his pockets looking for something that was supposed to be there, he knew, but what? It took him a whole, long minute to figure out what he was looking for and where it was; he turned on his heels, marched to the table currently littered with post, stacks of papers and invoices where from below one of the envelopes he fished out his wand.

It still felt good in his hand even though he didn’t use it much. There were currently no “special cases” that he repaired at the back of the garage, away from the prying eyes of the two muggle staff members he hired and mostly he didn’t… feel like using magic. Out of his friends Sirius always thought that he and Remus for sure would be the ones to live fully in the magic world, but here he was, repairing muggle motorcycles, sometimes dabbling into magical ones, but living in the world of the non-magical. He remembered from James and the snippets of conversations he had over the years with Remus that the same thing had happened to his friend. Well, apart from the full moon: it took them a long while to find a safe space for Remus to transform and not harm anybody at the same time, but they did. If he remembered correctly it was probably the last thing they had done together, the four of them, and he felt his blood souring a little bit. 

Did he think that his life would look like that? Smell like oil, feel like grease. Maybe he should get a cat to keep him company. Or better: a dog. He chuckled at that thought, the kettle whistling behind him and he doubled back to the kitchen, wand tucked in his jeans pocket.

He made his tea — with a splash of milk and honey, it was a long day and even though he hasn’t contacted his parents in almost a decade Sirius always liked to make his English father and Korean mother gasp at how he drank his tea — and with a cup in hand started to look for his suitcase and through his clothes to find something… suitable for a getaway wedding.

***

Their first wedding was small and it was putting it lightly. People present there could be counted on one hand, excluding the bride and the groom of course, and apart from the rest of Marauders and James’ parents there was… nobody else. Lily’s sister, Petunia, politely declined which didn’t mean that Remus wouldn’t knock out her teeth when he met her.

Which he had to stop himself from doing within the first minutes of arriving at the utterly charming Bed and Breakfast rented by the Potters. 

She did not look charmed as she kept a careful eye on her child while her husband looked around trying to look totally not impressed. 

He passed them but didn’t spare a glance, not knowing if Petunia would even recognize him. She met him once when Harry was just a baby; he made her tea and they mostly stood in silence in Lily and James’ little kitchen, looking at the people around the happy pair showing off their son to everybody who would ask or even glance at them. Petunia came alone then, stating that her husband had an important thing to do at work, which still, after all this time irked Remus. He knew that the women weren’t on best terms, but apparently blood wasn’t thicker than water in case of their families. 

He checked in but didn’t catch if anybody else already arrived and he paused when he entered his room. It was spacious, with a king sized bed, a little balcony, a bathroom with a tub, everything just… so Scottish he wanted to laugh. He carefully put his suitcase on the floor, opened it and took out his suit he found on a bargain and hung it in the wardrobe. 

A knock at the door made him twitch and he nearly lost a leg when he nearly tripped over his stuff. At the other side of the door a very happy, grinning face of James Potter was present.

“Excellent,” he said, wrapping his long and brown fingers around Remus’ wrist. “You’re the last to arrive. Let’s go, we’re drinking a welcome vodka shot to honor Lily’s parents in our room.” He added, while also dragging Remus to the other side of the corridor.

The Potter’s room was obviously bigger as it was a double room with door between theirs and Harry’s, which were slightly ajar, but before he could take a peak he saw a handsome man standing up from the bed, sleeves of his crisp white shirt rolled up to his elbows and holy shit, he never knew if Sirius Black could even get any more hot, but he did.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. 

“Foud him!” Exclaimed James, putting his and Remus’ hands up in the air to the laughs of the people gathered in the room. There was Lily, not in her wedding dress, but in comfortable jeans and a shirt tucked in; Peter who turned from the balcony and grinned, holding up his empty glass with a smile; Frank and Alice were also there in clothes that even looked like some trendy things the muggles wore; Edgard and his sister Alice waived at Remus and Sirius gave him a crooked smile, but a smile nonetheless. 

Somebody gave him a glass and some other hands filled it to the brim.

“For those who couldn’t be with us today” said Lily, hoisting her hand high just as James kissed her temple. Remus could not think about his parents; if they would be proud of him, of the choices he made and the life he had. He thought about glancing at Sirius, who hasn’t spoken to his family for years, wondering if he thought of them, too.

Then, just as if he had called his name, Sirius looked at him, eyes filled with sadness and… regret? Maybe? Before Remus could ponder over how good Sirius looked with his dark hair slicked back, they were drinking, liquid burning his throat, gliding down his esophagus to settle in his stomach, fiery. He saw that Peter had to cough and put his hand up as he turned away, much to James’ delight, but Sirius never took his eyes off of Remus and he thought that the fire in his stomach might not have been not vodka after all. 

After the first shot the second didn’t come, thank God. It turned out that both Harry and Neville — Alice and Frank’s son — were sleeping in the next room so after some soft murmurs of conversation everybody went their separate ways. Or rather Lily made everybody leave, including James, as she had to get ready. Her husband kissed her on the cheek and draped an arm around Remus and Peter while they were walking out and with his right hand grabbed Sirius’ shirt. “So lads, let's go out and have a chat, shall we?”

“You drunk already, Prongs?”

“With happiness and delight that I have my best mates here, and that I am going to marry — again — the woman of my dreams?” James winked at Remus’ question. “Always. Let’s find some spot outside, while it still isn’t raining.”

“You sure you didn’t put a spell on the weather or something?” Asked Sirius behind them, while the four of them walked down the winding stairs and turned to the beautiful patio. The sun was warm on Remus' skin and he tilted his head towards it as they walked to the shaded gazebo at the end of the garden as all chairs were occupied by James’ family and Lily’s friends. Remus sat on the chair that was most in the shade very conscious of how easily his freckles popped when he was under the sun and how his scars seemed to be more prominent as his skin got tanned. 

With a flick of his wand James  _ accioed _ some bottles and glasses and put them on the glass table in the middle of the gazebo. 

James cleared his throat, holding his glass between his hands. “I just… wanted to thank you guys. I have never, ever thought that after all these years you would still be my best mates. Just…” He grunted again and Remus could feel his throat getting tighter as he had to swallow. “Thank you. That’s all I wanted to say.”

I should have been the one to  _ thank you guys _ , it was what Remus wanted, should have said, but he leaned in his seat and clinked his glass with James’, looking him straight in the eyes. 

“That’s what mates are four.” He said, his voice a little bit rougher than he anticipated, but the words were out and the other two guys were also leaning in, their four glasses touching.

“Friends forever, better or worse,” said Peter, who had to wipe his left eye quickly. 

“I guess that you’re doomed to have us a lot as your best friends. Devil only knows why we still put up with your bullshit.” Said Sirius

“Because you love it, Padfoot.”

Sirius laughed, a rich and low sound, and Remus couldn’t not smile with them. All of them were laughing now and the next hour and a half was spend reminescenting the “good old times” until James’ mother dressed in a beautiful sari came to them and said “Go, take care of your son, he is being noisy and God know only you can take of him when he is in a mood.” To which James just rolled his eyes but smiled as he went after her. 

The conversation died a little but the gazebo became eerily quiet when Peter excused himself.

It was only him and Sirius amongst the cushions, chairs and flowers.

Remus downed his water and rolled the glass gently in his fingers. The air grew suddenly hot and he knew, he was sure of it, that if he lifted his head he would find Sirius looking at him.

Sure enough, he did just that, watching him like a hawk, leaning his cheek on his fingers and elbow. In that moment Remus became aware that they were alone, hidden in the shadow of the gazebo. He was about to open his mouth when Sirius stood and started to walk away.

“Sirius,” he said, also standing up, the muscles in his whole body tensing. He would not be degraded to the title of an ex friend with benefit, an ex lover who might go all bonkers on Sirius, he would not. Even if there was something between them in the past he at least wanted honesty out of Black, the same one he would like to receive from his friend.

“Sirius,” he tried again, feeling the same surge of boldness when he felt sending his manuscript to his agent, the same surge or rightness when he saw Lily in her hospital bed with an infant Harry, when he saw Sirius and James bickering in Potter’s kitchen when Black lived there for a year. 

There were things he wanted to say, needed. It wasn’t like he fucking didn’t think about them for the last decade or so, it was just… 

“Can we talk?” he said, softly, his eyes never leaving Black’s. “After the wedding?”

He saw Black swallowing, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Sirius was half in half out of the gazebo and Remus could swear he saw flickers of purples and shimmers of reds in his hair.

“Always,” was the word that Sirius said and Remus felt, in his bones, that something monumental was about to happen. “Always,” said Sirius again and nodded.

And left. 

***

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” muttered Sirius under his breath as he walked around his room, shirt half tucked in his trousers, cufflinks, tie and a blazer still on his bend. He has been pacing for about five minutes, swearing himself, the world, but mostly himself for all the choices he has made.

He was right there, goddamnit,  _ right fucking there,  _ looking relaxed and content and happy. And when he asked, said his name in the soft and careful way only he could do, fuck, something raised up from within Sirius. He was seventeen again, not a god, not even happy; confused, full of need to just hold this boy — man, he told himself, the man — in his arms and say that everything will be alright. 

When they stood alone in the gazebo it would be so easy to do just that; to make those few steps and wrap his hands around Remus’ waist and just hold him there and whisper to his ear that “everything is going to be alright, I’m not going anywhere.”

But he didn't; his body froze, his mind was so utterly silent for a moment he thought that the time stopped. 

But no; Remus was still looking at him, so anxious and worried, he could see it in his stiff shoulders, and something broke inside of Sirius Black. He hoped that Remus felt that what he said wasn’t for show, but it was a sparkly and deceived word he used. “Always” meant forever, until they were both dead, until the world was gone. It also meant that despite everything, even if Remus would ultimately break his heart, Sirius would still be there.

It also rang true, in his ears and in his bones. Hell, he even thought he felt it in his heart. 

Because for the last decade it had been true, in every sense and meaning and fuck, fuck, fuuuck if it didn’t make things clearer and more difficult at the same time. 

Sirius stopped then because one way or another it was pointless. All his life Sirius Black waited for another shoe to drop; for his friends to finally realise that he was, in fact, a hack, an imposter, not good enough for their friendship. In school he was young, beautifully, cocky to a fault and he expected to be abandoned by James, Remus and Peter after Hogwarts, when they realised that Sirius Black in the real world was just as insecure as they were, if not more.

One has a lot of issues after growing up in the Black household after all. 

He sighed and spun around in his empty room. The clothes were still there, laying on the bed like an offering to some god. He shouldn’t be thinking about these things, he thought, today was not a day for this kind of shit, he had his therapy for that. Today was all about his best mate James Potter and the love of his life, Lily Evans and the beautiful family they have built and he would be damned if anything else changed that.

Meticulously he put on his white, crips shirt, tucked it into his pants and put the cufflinks in. Then was the dark navy vest and a jacket with a small pocket for a handkerchief. He looked at himself in the mirror and tried on a smile. He remembered as if it was yesterday that once upon a time Remus told him that the dark blues looked extremely good on him and it seemed that this information had stuck to his head like a post-it note with an extremely good glue. The suit fit, was tight in all the right places and if Sirius was honest with himself he looked… nice. Clean, with sharp edges which make him a tad bit uncomfortable. 

This was what his mother wanted, he thought, looking at his reflection: to have this version of Sirius always at a hands reach. 

It wasn’t just the jacket, the white shirt or even the freaking cufflinks; it was the fact that he didn’t look like himself, or at least not like a version of Sirius Black that he wanted to see. He combed his slicked back black hair, looked at himself: his mother’s Korean features but his father’s characteristic dark, brown eyes. 

Sometimes when he smiled and caught his reflection he could see his father as a young version of him. Sometimes when he swore he did it in Korean, which happened very rarely but in those moments his mind flashed back to his family kitchen and his mother muttering curse words under her breath while the house-elves did something wrong or not up to her standards. When he started noticing, especially when he was younger, he did everything to not be like his parents; he rebelled, made a fool out of himself, made fools out of others.

But he never compromised his values. He never betrayed what he believed in. And, Sirius thought, as he looked at himself, the whole of him; the laugh lines, the way his hair fell back with that one strand that delicately curled and wouldn’t be bothered by being put with the rest; the way he stood: tall, proud but not because of his bloodline or due to some superiority over others but because he knew himself and he knew he did well in his life.

This Sirius Black? This Sirius Black he  _ liked _ .

There was only one thing he truly fucked up and hey, weren’t weddings the best places to celebrate love and bonds between people? His mind also told him that weddings were also the most ironic events to get his heart ripped up by a rejection but he didn’t dwell on that too long as he left the room to celebrate the life and love of Lily and James Potter.

***

The wedding? Words couldn’t describe how wonderful and amazing it was.

Remus felt a nudge against his ribs and looked down and the hand with a handkerchief extended his way and then the man who was holding him. Sirius’ smile was bright and he could see the redness in his eyes, too. With a small nod and a sniff he started dabbing his eyes and cheeks with the cloth. 

The wedding was the most beautiful thing he has never seen. The B&B was decorated in creams and pastels, the flowers were bright and amazing, and little Harry with the basket, spilling the petals clumsily with his small fingers left and right, looking all but adorable in his mini tuxedo. 

He was also proud of how  _ natural _ it all seemed with Sirius. After earlier, the “always” hovered between them like a butterfly that couldn’t decide where he wanted to land, Remus expected things to be more...tense. When he stepped down Peter and Sirius were already waiting in the main hall, byt the small round tables with a bouquet of flowers in oranges and yellows that seemed to be spilling colour from the center to other flowers placed all round the room. When Lily did that Remus didn’t know, because there weren’t any decorations an hour and a half ago. But here he was stepping down the stairs, feeling a little bit anxious in his silver suit that maybe was a tad too big for him — beggars can’t be choosers after all, it was half the regular price and he looked alright in the changing room mirror — and Sirius, because of course he looked a million times better in his actual three piece holy shit,  _ the look _ he gave him, it seemed to ignite every nerve in his body that was asleep before. 

Peter also turned, grinned and gave Remus a friendly pat on the back.

“Well, well, well, look at you, our dear Moony can look fancy!”

And with that the air seemed to lose its temperature; when Remus’ eyes locked with Sirius’ there was the old spark of mischief and the three of them laughed. 

And that one look was that, apparently. The three of them, four if counting James, were weeping interchangeably throughout the entire ceremony. Remus heard Sirius whispering “Dammit it’s the second one I shouldn’t be crying even more” to him or to himself he didn’t know, as the other man dabbed his eyes with his handkerchief. 

When Lily and James said their  _ I do's _ second time the whole room  _ awwwed _ . And when they kissed people cheered and clapped and Remus didn’t remember feeling this happy, ever. 

Well, maybe when Sirius kissed him for the first time, but that was tinted with nerves and confusion. 

But then the party had begun. Innocently, it started with an old Polish custom of welcoming the newlyweds with salt and bread which were held by Lily’s aunt and her husband. All of them watched as Lily and James dipped their portions of bread in the salt and then after eating them they both drank a big shot of vodka each, to everybody’s cheer. It was so heartwarming to Remus to see Lily’s heritage being celebrated this way. As her relationship with Petunia continued to deteriorate after their parents’ death Remus saw Lily’s need to go back to her roots and to show little Harry that if he wanted he could have the best of the two worlds. The little guy was already answering, when politely asked, in Polish or Punjabi, but he stuck to English most of the time. And the amount of Polish dishes seemed to increase when Lily’s grandmother had shipped her a traditional cookbook from Poland, for which Remus was silently grateful. He had never eaten such good pierogies in so many variations as in Potter’s house and the evidence to that were mounting in his freezer in at least four different kinds of them, made for him by Lily.

When the glass of Lily’s and James’ shots shattered on the pavement before the B&B the crowd cheered again and James took his wife by her hand, screamed “That’s my wife!” and proceeded to haul her inside in a princess carry and walk through the threshold with Lily giggling maniacally with laughter. As her feet touched the ground in the main hall Remus didn’t miss the little wince James did when he fully put his wife onto her feet. 

They weren’t getting younger, he realised, but in that moment it seemed that they were. Eighteen and young, the whole world before them just in the grasp of their hands. They could have done anything and everything… And yet… 

He sighed and clapped with the rest as the “newlyweds” led the party to the spacious ballroom with round tables with five chairs next to them. A relief washed through Remus when he saw that next to his right was a card with “Peter Pettigrew” and to his left “Alice Longbottom”. He felt Sirius walking behind him, the wash of his cologne that made his hands clench the chair a little bit tighter but he sat down just as the other man sat on the other side of Peter. 

Before the dinner the speeches started. First was from James’ mother, a small dark brown woman in a beautiful sari. James had her wide smile, the soft one that he gave when he was really happy just as the woman before them. Her speech was short, made people laugh and James groan a little but the whole room  _ awwwed _ at the last words: “Thank you, Lily, for opening your heart to my James and to us. We’re proud to have you in our family.” The claps started and stopped when people sipped their champagne and before Remus’ nerves were going to fail him he cleared his throat and stood up, his chair, painfully scraping the floor. He didn’t wince, straightened his back and took out a small piece of paper from his pocket.

“Hi, all.” He started, cleared his throat as everybody’s eyes fell on him and the silence started to stretch. Before it became too long he continued. “I’m Remus Lupin. Went to school with those two there,” he pointed with his champagne glass at the pair at the head of the table. He looked into their eyes. Saw James tighten his grip on Lily’s hand who whispered something to Harry’s ear who immediately shifted his attention to him. “Well, what I wanted to start with was a small walkthrough of our infamous ‘adventures,’” he made an air quote with the hand that was holding the glass to the small laughs of the people gathered. “But to be perfectly honest I forgot that there were going to be children there, so…” He made a face that he hoped showed terror with a touch of remorse and he thought he did a good job when the room laughed again. “And seeing as I’m not as natural as wonderful Mrs Potter at delivering speeches without a help…” he nodded toward James’ mother who smiled and winked at him as her husband loudly said “Sukhjot!. The room laughed and some of the tension left Remus’ body as he spread his piece of paper. He cleared his throat again and started to read. 

“Dearly beloved, we have gathered here to celebrate the life and marriage of Lily and James Potter… for the second time. This one will be remembered as the biggest celebration of our lifetimes and the third one will probably make us realise how old we really are by the amount of time it will take us to get free of the hangover... “ He paused and the room laughed and a sparkle of joy and happiness went through Remus’ fingertips. He deliberately stopped himself from reading faster as he continued: “If you told me in highschool that these two would tie the knot I would probably slowly step aside and pretend that I didn’t understand what words mean. I watched this crush of James’ spiral from a teenage love at first sight, to a crush, to an even more teenage crush to a feeling no one even understood back then. Well, except maybe James, in his rare moments of genius when he was awake at three am still drunk from all the firewhiskey... I am sorry Mrs. Potter but your son did have an affinity for those, especially in sixth year… but that’s another story.” He looked at James and gave him an evil grin before reading further. “In those rare moments he would suddenly wake up, then wake us all up, still either drunk or hungover and say to us: I think I love Lily Evans, mates.” He paused, not only for the dramatic effects and the room’s reaction. He took a deep breath. “By the seventh year we knew two things: that James still had a gigantic crush on Lily Evans and that she didn’t like him at all. And by at all,” he looked up from the paper to scan the room. “I mean it in the most gentle of ways I could think of with children in the room.” He smiled to the room’s laugh and continued: “But then Lily surprised all of us and actually took an interest. We all think it was because our company matured James, made him more stable and reliable as a student and as a friend…. Or maybe not. But when we started to hang out with Lily and know her better, apart from all the mooning that James did, it turned out that Lily Evans was and still is, the best of us all. I don’t think James would be where he is now if it wasn’t for Lily and I think this statement goes both ways. Because when two halves get together they make a whole and I have never seen anybody so whole as Lily and James when they’re together. So,” he put his piece of paper down on his plate and looked at the teary eyed ‘newlyweds’. “Please join me in toasting to a bright future of the best people I know, who made me believe that love exists and is doing just fine. To Lily and James!”

The room roared in cheers and claps, people stood up and saluted with their glasses and Remus has probably never felt so in love with love as in that moment. 

The cold champagne tickled his mouth but he didn’t grimace when it went down to his stomach. On the one hand he could say it was because he was mentally prepared for the awful taste of it, but on the other he caught Sirius' gaze which made his heart stutter and change the rhythm to a more frantic  _ thump-thump  _ as he did not falter under Remus' gaze. A shiver of anticipation went through Remus’ body and he had to fight with the need to bypass Peter sitting next to him to touch Sirius, to let the electricity fly off his itchy fingertips and he could do that only by touching the other man’s skin.

A movement and a hand on his arm shook him from his thoughts and he turned towards a smiling, slightly teary eyed, Alice.

“That was beautiful! Wish we had a speech like that at our wedding!”

“You can always have your vows renewed and throw an even bigger party!” Peter flashed his smile from the brim of his glass before taking a sip. The Longbottoms laughed.

“I don’t think we can throw anything that’s going to be as good as this one.”

Remus shrugged. “You can always try.”

“Remus,” said a voice silent before and Lupin turned towards Sirius holding his breath. “That was… yeah, Alice was right. That was beautiful.”

He parted his lips and tried to breathe, trying to break the surface of the stare that seemed to drown any reasonable thought in his mind. There seemed to be a conversation happening around them, Peter talking to Alice and her husband trying to smooth out Nevill’s bow tie who wiggled impatiently under his father's scrutiny. 

The world didn’t stop, time didn’t slow it down, it only narrowed to one person and one person only. 

Sirius would have lied if he denied ever wanting to press Remus Lupin into a nearest wall with a searing kiss as much as he wanted to do right now, but the words he wrote and read cut through everything he steeled himself for. 

_ “Because when two halves get together they make a whole” _ was what he said and even though he met Lily and James, the first people who came to Sirius’ mind as a perfect visualisation of this sentence, other parts stirred in his mind and his heart. He saw himself laughing with Remus at something at school, their heads bowed, shoulders trembling. He saw Remus Lupin with eyes wide open, lips red from kissing and flushed cheeks. He saw them at Potter’s kitchen, making cooing noises at small Harry, trying to distract him from the next spoon that James was trying to get into the boy’s mouth. 

He saw that and he ached, his whole body feeling the words as if they were a sledgehammer, and, man, did it not put things — more importantly all his previous relationships — into perspective. He realised between a sip of champagne and sitting down that he, ultimately, was for the best part of his life a complete and total fuckboi. 

Another thing to add to his therapy sessions. 

It was maybe a second, or two, or a full minute before Sirius had to look elsewhere and it just happened to be his other best friend who just renewed his vows and who was looking straight at him with a sly smile and a raised eyebrow. James lifted his glass and tipped it Sirius’ way to which Black responded with an exaggerated eye roll. Did he know? He thought as the servers started filling the rooms, the smell of food following them. Did he see something? Sirius would be a fool if he ignored that smile and that eyebrow which mostly spelled trouble for him and the others at Hogwarts. He wasn’t so sure what it meant now and he stared at his full plate and for the next minutes he fully immersed himself in eating one of the best dishes in his life. The unexpected mix of Polish and Indian, from pierogies to curry, everything was balanced and perfect. It also helped that each table had its own holder with ice for wine and a bottle of vodka which was opened with a  _ crack _ by Lily’s family even before the plates started to fill out. 

He knew that Poles treated weddings slightly differently than the British, but an hour and a half in, when the dance floor slowly started to fill in with various uncles and aunts from Lily’s side who in turn dragged the equivalents from James’ side out there was a sweet sight. The blend of strong ‘r’ that mixed with the round vowels that filled his surroundings, it almost felt like home. Not his home, the Black’s residence, all stiff and formal even behind the four walls. The Potter’s living room where he and James would sit on the floor eating homemade icecream and watching the telly because Mister Potter really liked those ‘stupid muggles’ on TV as he said himself. The dinners he would spend at Lily’s parents house, being literary fed something called golabki — which translated to ‘pigeons’ but was not made from literal pigeons, which Lily’s mom told him with such a delightful smile on her face he stopped with a fork midway to his open mouth, which he closed when everybody started to laugh — and so much potatoes he thought that Evans’ surely had they own garden of them or something. 

With a piercing ache in his heart he watched James dancing with one of Lily’s aunts, her blushing fiercely and him surely flirting with her obnoxiously, because this? These people, this atmosphere? He  _ wanted _ that and it  _ hurt _ to think that he might never have it. 

Remus laughed at something Alice said and when Sirius looked up their eyes met and it was like an electrical current ran between them, making Sirius straighten in his seat. He saw that Remus’ fingers twitched on his glass, these long, pale fingers, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek. 

He let go of a long breath through his nose, took another deep one and finished the drink that was still in his glass in one swing.

“Does anybody want something sweet?” He asked his table, which mostly declined apart from Peter who was really stoked for some Polish cheesecake. “It has raisins, how bloody brilliant!” He said as they started walking toward a separate table that was piled with cakes and scones and desserts in too many shapes and sizes. 

He did not turn back, although he could swear he felt Remus’ eyes on him, his neck prickling from the feeling, goosebumps on his arms.

“So,” a hand suddenly clasped him on the lower back and Sirius nearly let go of the tiny brownie cake he was holding. “Are you having fun, Black?”

“Fuck you Potter, I nearly dropped a cake. You do not surprise a man who is holding a beautiful brownie cake.”

James rolled his eyes but smiled, draping himself over Sirius’ arms like a scarf. 

“But you’re having fun, yes? You too, Peter?” Said James to the man on the opposite side of the table who was stuffing his face with miniature tartlets with mascarpone cheese and blueberries. Peter nodded, trying to fit one of the blueberries that fell on the small plate he was holding into his mouth and it was too much for both James and Sirius. Only then he felt the lightness that was flowing in his blood, the alcohol surging in his body.

“Damn, did not think these drinks were so laced with vodka.”

“Only the good stuff for the wedding, you know this. Shipped straight from Poland, we have around forty bottles of this.”

“Forty?” Said Sirius with big eyes.

“Well, Lily says it’s really not that much, most weddings have more, but we opted out for other things.” He shrugged, as if fourty bottles of vodka was the most normal thing to say. “She was so afraid that we would run out, apparently it’s unthinkable to run out of vodka during a Polish wedding… But less about me,” he added just as Sirius was stuffing his mouth with the brownie. “More about you. How are you, really?” Asked James with concern in his voice that made Sirius’ back prickle with anticipation.

“What do you mean?”

James just looked at him, really looked from above his round glasses. “Listen mate, now you’re just insulting me. How long have we known each other?” Started James as he gently but swiftly maneuvered Sirius to one of the empty tables around the back of the room, near the big windows behind which was a part of a garden and a nicely and evenly trimmed hedge.

Sirius wanted to open one of the windows and disappear into it.

“Far too long, apparently,” said Sirius sarcastically as he sat in one of the two empty chairs. Suddenly there was a full shot glass before him and a tall glass with a bubbly drink. He drank the first one in one go just as James did and slowly sipped on the other while his best friends continued.

“Yes, yes, far too long, but remember: I see through your bullshit. Don’t you think it’s been too long even for you to fuck up so much?”

Sirius immediately bristled. If he was Padfoot he would have bared his teeth. James, being James, must have seen that because he put a hand up, palm down, as if he wanted to calm everything that has been rising in Sirius’ throat.

“I don’t know. What you’re. Talking about.” Gritted out Sirius, leaning back in his chair, trying to look relaxed and calm when in reality his perfectly set up sand castle was slowly coming apart because of the waves that were coming his way.

“Really, Padfoot. I mean, we, I and Lily,” whoosh, the first tower went crashing down, the sand mixing with the salt water. “We pretended not to see because we didn’t want to, ah, make things worse with our meddling, but we both think, my lovely wife and I, that you seriously need to take your head out of your ass.” Another tower plummeted into the murky water and Sirius almost winced.

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh for... “ James threw his hands up and groaned. Black looked around, suddenly scared that somebody else would hear them but at the back of the party, in the unlit part of the big room they were alone. “You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. You and Remus, Remus and you, you big, bloody idiot.”

And just like that the whole castle was coming down, at once. 

James sighed. Loudly and lonely. 

“Listen. I love you. Lily loves you. And frankly? Remus probably too.” At that Sirius could feel his cheek getting warmer and as if on queue James burst out laughing. “I don’t know how you thought that you’re keeping it under wraps all these years, I say three words about Remus and you’re blushing like a medieval maiden!”

“Fuck of.” Was all Sirius said, but without the heat he felt in his cheek and beneath his skin. 

“Yeah, not this time. This has been going on for so long, we can’t do the back and forth anymore. Listen,” added James seeing the confusion on Black’s face. “We have been patient but trying to not get you in the same room has been and is a pain in the ass.”

“What.”

“When we invite you too it’s as if you're trying really hard not to see each other and when you do it’s like the whole place is going to be burned down. We have been trying to minimize the damage by trying to not invite you to things together but… Harry is getting older,” added James softly, his voice going down an octave. “And he wants to have all his uncles on his birthday parties, all at once. And we want you, too. We miss you.”

Oh, the castle that Sirius has built was not only crashing and burning, it was creating a black hole that sucked everything it touched. 

“I… I didn’t know.”

“Yeah,” James shrugged. “You weren’t supposed to. Apparently we and Lily work very well together when we put our minds to it, our son is one example, but… It’s not only been tiring for us: he can see how broken you two are.”

Sirius choked on his drink and needed a few seconds to calm down and James continued as if nothing had happened. 

“You just… ignore each other. Not only in person but when I mention one of you in a conversation with the other it’s like you have been burned by holy fire and I need to abort the topic as fast as I can. It’s not pretty, it’s tiring and gods only know how irritating.”

“Can I assume that Remus is getting a similar chat with Lily?” Asked Sirius because he truly did not know what to say. His best friend, brother not in blood but in bond, was grilling him about their other friends with whom Sirius yes, had a fling and yes he had feelings for him, but it was just… awkward. And not enjoyable, judging by James’ face, to both of them.

“Gods no, Remus is too smart for that kind of a talk. He knows everything I already told you, he is just too shy and too insecure to do anything.”

“Then why are you talking to me?”

James sighed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Black, we were almost always the instigators. Yes, Remus and Peter helped and took part in our shenanigans but the first ideas were never theirs. I think,” James paused, biting down his lower lip and looking at the bottom of his shot glass. “That out of you two you, my dear friend, are reckless and brave enough to either end this thing once and for all or, maybe just  _ maybe _ , ignite it and never finish. Just saying.” James put his hands up in a  _ I give up _ gesture. “So, basically, you do you and just try.” Added Potter after a few seconds, finishing in one gulp his soft drink and setting his glass down as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m just gonna…” James started to slowly stand up, muttering under his nose something that sounded like “Good job Potter, you’re  _ so good _ at this shit” in an ironic voice and disappeared into the growing crowd that started to mingle between the tables and gather near the dance floor.

Sitting at the table, so far away from people, Sirius Black has never felt so alone. The shadows of this corner, tucked away from the view, seemed to swallow him up, swallow him in a cocoon of “what ifs” and for a brief second he really wished that James was still here, sitting in front of him, his shirt undone under his chin, sleeves rolled up, messy brown hair sticking everywhere, brown skin near his collarbone shining with sweat of the room. He wanted to tell James how wrong he and Lily were; he and Remus weren’t avoiding each other, they weren’t trying not to be in the same room together, it was all a lies and slander.

He wanted to say those things, he really did, but if he said them out loud Sirius Black would have felt like a liar which he  _ hated _ . How could a statement be truth and a lie at the same time? It depended on the point of view and when Black thought about his best friend’s words he knew that most of it — all of it, he had to be honest sometimes — were true, one that he knew subconsciously. But it also wasn’t because Sirius remembered those times when he and Remus were together in the same room and everything was all right… However, if he thought about it they never were  _ alone _ in the same room: there was also someone with them.

Oh, how burdened is a person with caring friends, he thought sourly, leaning back in the chair, allowing the darkness to eat him completely, body and mind. The bright mood of the wedding was gone and the alcohol started to buzz in his ear more like an irritating fly than a flow of upbeat music. He stood then, chair scraping the floor, with a sudden urge to  _ get out of here _ because James and Lily were right and he was a fucking idiot and a fraud and he didn’t deserve any of them.

The stars twinkled on the clear, night sky when he went outside. Lily really had a gift of picking the perfect weather for a Scottish wedding: not too cold, not too warm, with a promise of rain in the air. He inhaled and exhaled at the patio, the door behind him closing slowly as Britney's “Work Bitch” started to play to the excitement of almost every person there. The newlywed’s did have a good taste, this was why they were also Sirius’.

It was well past midnight, closer to one, which Sirius only realised when he was leaving his dark and lonely corner that he previously occupied with James. He felt better outside — the air was certainly fresher and not mixed with people's sweat — and Sirius rolled his sleeves even higher.

“Are you going to fight with someone?” Asked a voice nearby and Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin. He turned left to see none other than Remus, clad in shadow and darkness of the nearest tree as he was leaning on the wall behind him, his jacket on his shoulders as if he was cold and Sirius felt a shiver run down his spine. When he didn’t respond Remus chuckled and took a sip of his drink and winced after swallowing.

“So, Lily’s family made you a drink?”

Sirius couldn’t tell by looking at Remus if the other man was smiling or not but he could hear it, which was more important. He walked the few steps to the other man, both of them hidden from the party by the solid wall behind them, and he stopped breathing for a moment.

Remus Lupin looked marvelous. His unkempt brown hair was slicked back but it still looked sexy with the few unruly locks that were falling on Remus’ forehead. His cheeks were flushed and eyes sparkled when he lifted them at Sirius with a crooked smile.

“I don’t think they know what a ‘light drink’ means,” said Remus, looking at his glass and frowning as if it did something terrible to him.

It was utterly delightful and sweet and Sirius Black was way in too deep.

Sirius smiled but not at the words that just spilled from Remus’ mouth but because he missed  _ this _ .  _ Them _ , together, just… talking.

“Yeah, well, I don’t really know what did you expect. You know that Lily does very mean drinks, why did you think that her family won’t be the same?”

Remus barked a laugh. “Shut up, Black.”

‘Make me,’ was just at the tip of Sirius' tongue, but he shut his eyes and looked up to the moon and started to get some perspective.

“I meant what I said, you know,” the stars blinked, almost encouragely, as Sirius rested his back on the wall. The cold bricks made him shiver. “About the speech. It was beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Remus answered shyly and Sirius could swear without looking that the other man was tucking one of his unruly locks behind his ear.

“You’re good at this writing stuff, have you thought about doing it professionally?” He couldn’t not make a jab and was rewarded with a swift, playful kick that should have landed on his foot but did on his ankle.

“Shut up.”

“No, but serious…” he started and Remus groaned in frustration next to him. He could practically feel the other man rolling his eyes. “Fine, fine, sorry.”

“But yeah… the part about two halves making a whole?” Sirius touched his chest where his heart was. “I felt it. It was a very apt description of Lily and James.”

“Don’t tell him that, otherwise he won’t shut up about it for weeks,” said Remus and they both laughed, the bass of the music softly thumping behind them, almost like a heartbeat. 

“Umm…” Sirius absentmindedly scratched his jaw. “But yeah, the speech was great. Yeah.” He added, feeling suddenly very stupid and unprepared in this situation. They were both probably drunk and he should wait for the alcohol to dissipate from their bloodstreams, right?

But then Remus, being the smarter one out of the two of them, did something that made Sirius audible catch his breath.

He leaned in, so close that Black could feel the heat of his body, and touched the knuckles of Sirius’ left hand.

“Thank you, Sirius. I really appreciate it,” said Remus, voice soft and full of emotions as if what Sirius said was the most amazing thing ever.

But the touch? Oh, the touch made Sirus’ blood run faster, made his mouth dry and he had to lick his lower lips before he looked at Remus whose face was so open it fucking  _ hurt _ .

Without words, without gestures, Remus threw the glass onto the lawn; Sirius heard it but it didn’t sound as if it broke, he was too focused on Lupin who, still touching his hand, who even put his whole hand over Sirius’ — oh god, oh fuck, ambers that he thought died long time ago lit his body on fire starting from his stomach and his heart — was leaning in…

Suddenly it all made sense. Everything made sense, starting with his inability to have a proper and stable relationship to the earlier word’s of James Potter and Sirius Black was so fucking sick of it, because Potter would be all smug and snarky later and he didn’t want to think about it, at all.

So, he curled a hand around the back of Remus’ neck and with a desperate sound that escaped his throat he closed the distance between them, and kissed Remus Lupin.

Remus Lupin, his best friend. The one who made him laugh, who made him strive for more, who indulged in his extremely bad ideas. 

Remus Lupin who preferred to spend his time reading and only at a first glance seemed like a lonely person. 

Remus Lupin who had a ‘little furry problem’ as Peter called it and who cried and couldn’t catch a proper breath for the better part of ten minutes when they showed him their animagus abilities. 

_ His _ Remus Lupin.

As if they didn’t kiss each other for almost a decade, somebody snapped their fingers, and suddenly they were back, knowing exactly what the other wanted. Sirius remembered that Remus has a thing for neck and when they parted, breaths heavy, he started to leave lazy kisses on his throat and using his teeth  _ oh just so _ which made Remus moan and throw his head back. Lupin remembered how much Sirius liked to be tugged by his hair and did just that, putting the perfect amount of pressure on his scalp.

They kissed for eternity and then a little more. Sirius pinned Remus to the wall with his body and when he felt the other man's hard cock, well it was suddenly too much, too soon. He could just drop to his knees but if they were here what was stopping them from doing it fucking properly?

“Your room or mine?” Asked Remus when they stopped kissing, catching their breaths and Sirius smiled. 

“I think mine is closer.”

“Good,” said Remus before hungrily kissing Black, teeth and tongue that made Sirius’ dizzy.

How they untangled was a mystery. How they made their way to the first floor undisturbed was also, considering how many drunk people they passed by, a mystery. But as doors to Sirius’ room closed behind them it was game on and fingers tried to unbutton shirts and belts, clothes started to form a trail to the bed which they both hit naked, aroused and wanting. 

  
  


Sirius’ long fingers were in his hair, pulling his head back and Remus let out a moan when Sirius’ teeth scraped his throat in one long slide, from his raised chin till his collarbones, where he then left soft kisses. The air in the room was stiff and thick and with Black’s mouth finally on his skin Remus knew that it was a matter of minutes.

“Clothes, off.” He said, getting rid of his shirt and throwing it on the floor next to the bed. Sirius watchem him hungrily and when Remus started to fumble with his belt the other man said “oh fuck” under his breath, his voice thick with need and leaned in for a intoxicating kiss replacing Remus’ fingers with his. In response Lupin unbuttoned the crispy white shirt that seemed to mock him all evening and gasped as tattoos, many of which he didn’t even know were there, all black and white showed on Black’s skin. There were patterns and rich flowers, a whole forest growing up a mere centimeter from Sirius’ wrists and Remus would lie if he didn’t want to memorize each and every one of them with his fingers, mouth and tongue. 

Remus lifted his hips to help Sirius take off his pants and he leaned back, leaning on his elbows just as the other man was fumbling with the buttons of his trousers. A piece of art was being unwrapped before him, muscles lean but not hard, chest covered with tattoos that seemed to wrap around Sirius’ ribs like vines. A giggle almost escaped Remus because it couldn’t be true; a man that hot couldn’t want to want him, a skinny man with shaggy brown hair, hairy chest and legs, who could use a few rounds at the gim. But when Sirius tossed his trouser somewhere behind him Lupin couldn’t take his eye off the lean cock that was definitely hard under those white cotton briefs.

“Fuck me,” he muttered, teeth unconsciously biting his lower lip. A hand cradled his face and he had to look up into the most gorgeous dark eyes he had ever seen. 

“That’s the plan,” said Sirius with a smirk that made Remus’ heart beat even faster. “Unless you have objections? Good,” he added to the other man’s headshake. “Because my plan is to have you writhing underneath me after you come for the first time and when I fuck you the second time, properly.” 

“Jesus,” breathed Remus and leaned back, hands clutching the sheets when slim fingers wrapped around his cock.

“Nice try, but my name is Sirius, darling.”

“Don’t you have that mouth of yours to be somewhere else?” Gritted Remus through his teeth as Sirius started very slowly moving his hands up and down his hard cock. He heard a laugh in response and something that might have sounded like “cheeky” but then he felt a tongue lick his cock from the root to the tip and he gasped for air. 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” said Sirius and Remus opened his eyes to see swollen and red lips closing around the tip and sucking gently and he involuntarily buckled again. Black laughed and let go. “Somebody’s eager, no?”

“Please.” Moaned Remus wanting to feel that blasphemous mouth, which made him laugh with tears streaming down his cheek, which made him smile, made him  _ want _ . “Please, Sirius.”

“Please what?”

“Fuck, do you want me to spell what I want?” Asked Remus, eyes open and narrowing in frustration as his dick felt the warmth of Sirius’ breath.

Who in return smiled mischievously and leaned in a little bit.

“That would be a start.”

God, it was always like that with Sirius, and his heart ached how fast they have fallen to the familiar rhythm. Before — it would be always Before — it was just like that, the two of them giving shit to each other, especially in bed. Remus wanted to sit and take Sirius by his hair and guide him toward his cock but he was very comfortable lying on Black’s bed and opening his legs more.

“I want you,” he said with every ounce of calmness he had. “To put that filthy mouth on my cock and suck me until I see stars. Then I want you to put your money where your mouth is and fuck me until I beg. Is it too many words for you to understand, Black?”

Remus could see the heat on Sirius’ cheeks but also in his eyes and he bit back a moan when the fingers at the base of his cock tightened for a fracture of a second. 

“Your wish,” said Sirius with an eagerness that Remus didn’t hear in a while. “Is my command,” he added and Lupin said “Fuuuck” when the other man took him to the root in one move. 

The room was filled with the most obscene sounds Remus has heard in awhile as apparently Sirius really meant what he said. As he sucked Remus’ cock his eyes never wavered, never stopped looking at Lupin who for a moment hesitated before curling his fingers in Sirius’ black hair cradling his skull and yanking just a little bit. Sirius moaned around his cock and the vibration went through Remus’ whole body.

He was going to come so fast he wasn’t even embarrassed about it. It’s been a long time since he had a man between his legs who knew exactly what Remus wanted and was willing to give. Lupin closed his eyes and let his head fall back just as Sirius let the cock his the back of his throat and it was fucking to much.

“God, Sirius I’m gonna…” Remus started to say, his voice scratchy and airy and when Sirius leaned back with an audible and delicious  _ pop _ Lupin moaned. 

“Yes.” That’s all Black said before he returned to working on Remus’ hard cock, his lips spreading, eyes returning to Lupin’s and fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Remus buckled his hips, once, twice, and he was coming, mouth open, long moan escaping his lips and Sirius took all of it. 

Silence filled the room and the brown haired man breathed heavily, spent and sweaty. He watched as Sirius sat on his heels and wiped the few drops of come from the corner of his mouth. Remus swallowed, feeling the intensity of Sirius’ gaze, who laid his hands on Lupin’s knees and spread his legs even further.

“God, do you know what you look like? All spent and tired?” He murmured, leaning in and kissing Remus’ left and right hip bone. “Spread out like this? For me?” Me moved higher, leaving kissing on his ribs, one by one. 

The next words were barely like a whisper but Remus heard them, wanted to hear them for  _ years _ .

“Do you know how I missed this? Missed you?”

“Sirius…” Remus pleaded, his heart too close to the surface, his mouth almost there, almost forming the words he wanted to utter for the better part of his life. 

“Yes, Remus?” Sirius asked, kissing Remus’ collarbone and then throat.

“Me too. I missed you so much, Sirius.” Remus closed his eyes and let the kisses trail up his neck, Adam’s apple, to his jaw.

“Really?” Asked Sirius, lips nearly touching his cheek. They were both whispering, Remus realised, as if the words had too much weight on them.

“Yes, yes.” He took a shaking breath and added: “Always.” 

He could feel Sirius tensing, his muscles rigid and in that second he wanted to cry. Was it too much to have this moment, this man in his arms just for a little longer?

Black backed up a little bit, eyes so focused on the man beneath him as they seemed to peer in his soul.

“Really?” Sirius asked, voice so soft, so full of… Hope? Want?  _ Love? _

Something bubbled inside Remus, something which he thought he buried deep. It was the Before Remus, the one that hoped, that maybe, maybe everything is going to be alright. That Remus didn’t want anything more, anything ‘better’, anything different. But time has changed him, his heart was scarred and his bones were just tired not only from the monthly transformations but from the ache he felt right now. 

He cupped Sirius’ face in both hands and leaned in, their foreheads touching. 

“Since, oh I don’t know. Remember, when you made me laugh in the infirmary so much I started choking and Pomfrey nearly got a heart attack?”

“That was in the fourth year.” Said Sirius a if it was the most obvious thing he has ever told.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. “You think I don’t know that?”

Sirius moved away and Remus nearly whimpered at the loss of touch, of Sirius’ warmth.

“You want to tell me you… You…” He gestured between them as if that gesture alone explained everything that was there. “Since fourth year?”

“I…” Remus started but Sirius interrupted him couping his hace in his hands and continued. “You want to tell me that you knew since the bloody fourth year? Merlin’s beard, Remus.” He said. “Why the fuck are we so bloody stupid?”

“What?” Asked Remus, his voice too high but then he was being kissed and  _ holy shit _ . It was The Kiss, he could feel it in the curl of his toes, in the way Black held him so close as if he was the most precious thing in his life. His lungs seemed to burn when they stopped and they both took big gulps of air. 

“I love you.”

Three simple words, told in breathy voice, with steady eyes and hands that held him just right, just the way he liked and wanted to be held.

“What?” Remus asked, again, because surely he misheard. Surely this wasn’t real, surely Sirius didn’t just…

“I love you, you bloody idiot. Loved you, I think, from the beginning, but didn’t know what these feelings were until…” Sirius swallowed, nervously. “Until it was too late.”

Remus shook his head. “Not too late. Never, Sirius, you hear me? Never.” He said while kissing Sirius’ cheeks, forehead, eyes, nose. “Never, because I have loved you all my life and I don’t think…”  _ I will ever love somebody that much ever again _ was muffled by a kiss, by a strong hand cupping the back of his neck, the other one holding him by the waist. 

They kissed, long and slow, as if this was their first time; as if they were remembering how this felt, how they felt, together. When Sirius’ hand cupped his ass Remus’ dick gave a twitch and fuck, he needed more, wanted more, and judging by the other man's’ shallow hip thrust, he wasn’t the only one.

“Fuck me.” Said Remus when they broke for air. “Fuck me, Sirius, I want to feel you inside me. Make me yours.”

  
  


Sirius shivered under that tone, partially needy and partially begging. The request cut through every reservation he had left and he was silently thankful that they were in his room and that he thought about a situation like that — this exact situation, but it were only dreams at that moment — and came prepared. He grasped Remus by his beautiful, long neck that was definitely not bruised enough by his kisses and he slowly and gently laid the other man down on the bed. 

And it was a sigh he wanted to have tattooed under his eyelids; Remus breathing hard, his face flushed, eyes so open he could see his soul, bared for him. Sirius took in the halo of brown, shaggy hair; lean arms and skin marked with faint and visible scars; the brown eyes that have melted and were now full of love and desire. 

He breathed through his nose more to steady himself and to bask a few seconds longer in the glory of Remus Lupin before he slid off the bed for the lube and a condom. 

The  _ pop _ of the bottle opening made Remus’ cock twitch with anticipation and Sirius smiled.

“Fuck, just look at you. All eager for me, spread out like the most beautiful painting in the world.” He squeezed the lube onto his fingers and teased Remus’ opening with one, slowly circling it around, looking intently at Remus who in response spread his legs even further and fuck, what a sigh it was. “So. Fucking. Eager.” He leaned in, finger slowly entering Remus as he gave his cock a lazy lick and the man underneath him swore and arched back in the most lovely way. 

Forget tattooing this image into his eyelids: he wanted it to be burned into his brain forever.

Remus said his name like a prayer when his tight muscles slowly let his finger in until his knuckle. He didn’t know how long it was for Remus, he didn’t dare to ask, but he was slow, methodical even, going in and out, with each thrust a little bit deeper until Remus took him whole without whimpering. For a moment he thought how good his cock would feel buried this deep in the tightness of Remus and he had to bite his lower lip, hard. 

“God, Sirius.” Said Remus again, his hips starting to thrust a little bit as if he wanted to fuck himself on Black’s single digit and Merlin’s beard, it was so hot. 

“You want more, baby?” Sirius started to move his hand and poured a generous amount of lube to ease the friction to which Remus just chanted “yes, yes, yes” over and over again until he whimpered when he pulled the finger out. He was about to say something but then two fingers were gently probing him and his head fell back with a long moan and this, right there was what Sirius would love to hear all goddamn day until the rest of his life. 

When Remus dug his heels deep into the mattress — or at least tried to — to get some advantage Sirius knew that the time had come. He tried to hit that spot, to make Remus’ head spin while his own dick was aching for some action, but he could wait. The man before him, relaxed and sweaty was what was the most important thing right now. 

He pulled the fingers out much to Remus’ protests which ended when he saw what Sirius was doing; rolling the condom carefully onto his hard cock and then slicking it with lube. 

“Sirius.” Was all Remus said, every emotion in that one name, in a way that Sirius always wanted but didn’t know how much needed. Lust, love and anticipation all mixed into one word.

His name. 

He stilled himself before he slowly entered Remus tightness and it was even better than he remembered. Lupin arched, his eyes flew open as Sirius slowly and steadily filled him until his balls touched Remus, and holy shit he knew he would not last long.

“Fuck me,” breathed Remus, trying to open his legs even more to make room for more of Sirius. “Please, fuck me hard, please, please, please…”

“Your wish is my command.” Sirius gritted holding hard onto Remus’ hips, probably leaving bruises but he didn’t care. The pace he started was brutal and soon the room filled with the smell of sweat and sex, the sound of skin hitting skin filled their ears along with Remus’ moans when Sirius hit just the right stop in just the right way. 

It was perfect. Perfect, because it was the two of them, perfect because they knew what they wanted, perfect because… well. It was final, they were final. When Sirius said “always” in the gazebo he meant it and Remus knew it.

As Sirius fucked Remus mercelsy, the other man moaning, hands gripping the sheets so tight his knuckles went white while Black’s fingers dug into Remus’ hip bones. Sirius was surprised that the bed didn’t creak or that the headboard didn’t hit the wall with each of the thrusts but it was a challenge as he fucked Remus with everything he had.

He wasn’t making love, that he left for later. Now he wanted what he promised: to make Remus scream, for the other man to see the stars. And by the look of utter abandon on his face he knew he was close, so very close.

With the hand still covered in lube he took Remus’ hard cock and gave a few slicks in motion with his thrust and suddenly Remus was coming in his hand, come falling onto his stomach, lips definitely saying his name and his name only.

Seeing his partner like that was it: with a few thrusts Sirius was also coming, saying god knew what while he emptied into the condom, head bowed into Remus’ neck. 

It took everything he had not to fall onto Remus. With the last of his strength he pulled out with a wince, tied the condom and threw it onto the floor next to the bed and then fell head first right next to Remus. They were silent for a heart beat, two, three. By the sixth Sirius shifted onto his back, scooted near Remus and pulled him onto himself, wrapping a hand around him and covering them with a blanket. He felt Remus taking a deep breath almost as if he was breathim him in: the smell of sweat, sex,  _ him. _

He closed his eyes and smiled when Remus hugged him. They would worry about the clean up in the morning. The most important thing was that the walls have completely fallen down.

“I love you.” Said Remus and and Black’s heart made a triple jump in his chest. He kissed the sweaty hair and smiled.

“Yeah, I know.”

Remus chuckled in response and Sirius felt his breath steady. When he was sure that the other man fell asleep he closed his eyes and prayed that this dream would never end.

It did when he woke up in his bed, alone. 

  
  


His muscles tensed as the headache seemed to be the only thing he could fathom at that moment, because by Merlin’s beard was it bad. He knew that in your thirties the hangovers were supposed to get bad but surely not  _ that _ bad?

He moaned and stirred and slowly opened his eyes. As he blinked repeatedly his mind started to work, feeding him the information from last night. The wedding, the party, the talk with Potter and Lupin and finally, Remus: splayed on his white sheets like the finest painting in the world, his cheeks rosy red, brown hair like a glorious halo around his head, lips parted and uttering the words that were the breath in his lungs and blood in his veins. 

Sirius laid in the bed thinking, not caring to hide the bright smile on his lips and tentatively he blinked once more. So far so good, he thought and he moved around to see if Remus was still sleeping but his heart sank when he saw that the other side of the bed was empty.

Heart in his throat he lurched upwards and groaned, feeling the taste of bile in the back of his throat and he swallowed it down compulsively, hiding his eyes behind the heels of his hands, digging them deep until he saw stars behind his eyelids.

No, he thought, this couldn’t have been a dream. Last night was real, his mind wouldn’t make up such beautiful things and then show him the middle finger, cackling maliciously. His brain was a bastard, an utter git, a motherfucker, but it couldn’t be  _ that cruel _ .

He didn’t know how long he sat there, covered by the sheets, smelling like alcohol and sweat and sex. He needed to move, to get up and take a shower — yes, a shower, that would clear his head — and he should dig for some hangover potions because he was sure that he packed them.

If it wasn’t for the fact that every sound, every crack sounded like a loud and painful bang, Sirius wouldn’t have heard the click of the lock and of the softly closing doors. He had to blink a couple of times to get rid of the dizziness and, well, he had to check if he wasn’t hallucinating. 

At the end of the corridor, peeking inside the room, was Remus Lupin looking crips and fresh, with hair slicked back, in a clean shirt with rolled up sleeves, dark jeans and a bag in his hand.

And he was smiling as if Sirius hung the moon and the stars for him.

Sirius blinked, and then again, but the image was unchained. Even more: the smiling Remus got closer.

“You alright?” Asked Remus, sitting at the edge of the bed, looking adoringly at Sirius. “Did you go blind? I know that the Poles brought heavy guns yesterday but Lily assured me that the alcohol that they served was legal and wouldn’t cause blindness.”

Sirius blinked again.

Before his mind could fully comprehend what the hell was going on, it seemed that his heart had other plans; he leaned in and gently cooped Remus’ face in his hands and kissed him like the most precious thing in the world. The other man must have felt that, because a noise that was a mixture of a deep sigh and a moan and was kissing back with gentleness that squeezed Sirius’ heart.

“Good morning,” said Remus when they parted, eye half closed, cheeks pink. “Did you think I was a dream or something?”

“If I just say yes will you let me kiss you some more?”

Remus laughed and in that moment the world became vividly clear for Sirius. After all this time, a decade or more, if Remus laughed like that after his stupid words that didn’t even stand near a joke it meant one thing. That they were going to be alright.

“First of all, sorry to say but everything about you stinks, breath included.” Remus leaned back but not out of a hands reach. “Second of all I thought that maybe you would like that for this hangover of yours. You probably don’t remember what happened yesterday’s night…”

Sirius shut him up with a kiss and when they parted, breathless, he nearly breathed in into Remus' lips. “Oh, I remember everything about last night, thank you very much. Might be a little bit fuzzy on the details, though, so you will have to remind me.” He said, feeling back at Hogwarts, a young good indeed. 

Something clincked and clancked and a bottle with a greenish fluid was thrusted in his hands. 

“First, the elixir. Then, shower. We have breakfast to attend to, and…” Remus hesitated for a moment. “As much as I would like to remind you those fuzzy details I need to be the respectable one out of us and say the thing we both dread, probably,” He took a steadying breath. “We need to talk.”

There was something so utterly familiar about how Remus spoke, and what he spoke about, that Sirius’ fingers automatically closed around the bottle and uncorked it without a word. The elixir tasted awful, like dishwasher water mixed with an expired oil and he winced and tried not to gag. The fact that the hangover potion tasted worse than the hangover itself was a small price to pay for the instant lack of pain and nausea. 

“Potion done, next the shower and then the reminding, you said?” Sirius stole a quick kiss which made Remus laugh and if Black thought that he ever heard a sound more beautiful than that then he was dead wrong.

“No, we can do the reminding after the breakfast. I don’t really know how long we can stay here, though.”

_ Forever _ was almost at the tip of Sirius’ tongue, but he held it under it like a medicine for the future. Instead he shrugged and got out of the bed, fishing for clothes in his suitcase. “We can ask Lily about that.” He said, coming round the bed, still naked, feeling the other man’s eyes roaming his body. “But we will,” He added, leaning in to give Remus a searing kiss. “Do the reminding after.” He smiled charmingly and heard “Oh, fuck you too Black” as he closed the bathroom doors behind him.

Under the spray of the shower he could scream like a happy and excited teenager biting on his fist. 

After he dried himself, put on the clothes — thankfully the haphazardly picked things looked at least presentable — Sirius ran fingers through his black hair and his reflection mirrored the gesture. Looking acceptable was his goal, and he somewhat achieved it, if one didn’t look at his bloodshot eyes and dark circles under them.

He was smiling, though. It was a shit eating grin, from ear to ear and he couldn’t stop himself. Sirius didn’t remember the last time he was so happy and everything because of one man who was smarter than him who finally helped him pull his own head out of his ass.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, bracing hands on the white sink. He didn’t know if he deserved that, deserved Remus, but he was going to do everything in his power to make this thing… them… last.

Taking a deep and calming breath he adjusted his rolled up sleeves, remembering how Remus’s eyes lingered on them last night, brushed his teeth and hair and walked out of the bathroom to see Remus Lupin lounging on the made up bed, reading a paperback he got from Merlin knows where, all relaxed and happy. Sirius had to swallow because his mouth had gone dry and his fingers ached to touch Remus’ cheek and hair, his lips tingled with the memory of yesterday’s kisses.

“Don’t stand there like a loon,” said Remus, eyes never leaving the book. “Your tie is crooked.”

Sirius’ hands immediately went to his neck when he realised, too late, that he in fact was wearing no tie at all.

“You’re a little shit,” he said with feeling, stopping at the edge of the bed, just by Remus’ feet. Only then did he look up from his book, a crooked smile playing on his lips. 

“What can I say: I learned from the best,” he said and stood up, puting the book back in a small pouch which was definitely larger from the inside. “Ready to embrace all the hungover people?” There was a hesitant note in his voice, as if there was something he just thought about and wasn’t completely sure.

“Only if you are,” said Sirius letting his impulses loose and cupping Remus’ face in his hands. “And only if you’re there with me.”

Remus closed his eyes and chuckled. They stood there for a moment, their forehead almost touching.

“I would like to buy you a dinner, though. When we come back. A date, I mean,” Sirius added quickly, when Remus’ eyes flew open. 

“A date?”

Sirius nodded. “Yes, a date. A real one. We ought to finally give it a proper start.”

Remus laughed and Sirius kissed him as if his life depended on it when he saw the other man’s eyes watering. 

When they broke they were closer than before, chest to chest, breathing in and out each other's breaths.

“A date?” whispered Remus, face radiant with happiness. “I would love that.”

The breakfast was a blur, at least to Sirius. Yesterday’s seats were changed to one, long table and Remus was sitting opposite of him, which was very distracting for both of them. Black caught Remus’ eye lingering on his tattoos once or twice and he very conveniently rolled up his sleeves even more with a crooked grin. Remus looked at him, murder in his eyes and cheeks slightly pink, but he did stare at the tattoo above his elbow. Well, if he liked them so much, Sirius would more than be obliged to show them to Lupin, in person, very closely. 

He talked with other guests, teased Peter who didn’t bring any hangover potions — not that he did, but he left this information out of the conversation — and he would tease James whenever little Harry wouldn’t be on his knees. Sirius knew where his limits were and apparently young and innocent Potter was one of them.

After the teas were served and various friends and family members started mingling around the B&B, children playing in the garden with flying toys and such, he glanced at Remus, still sitting opposite of him. There was nobody around, only empty chairs and plates. The other man looked at Sirius from above his tea and Sirius’ gut clenched because Remus Lupins’ face was an open book. An anxious open book like at school one day before the full moon. It hurt knowing that it was because of him and clearly it was time for him to step up.

“My room in ten minutes?” Asked Sirius, looking cautiously at Remus, who briefly nodded. He looked nervous and pale and it broke Sirius' heart.

But he stood up, thanked James and Lily for the invitation — they could stay until the evening — and gave them both an excuse of catching up on sleep. Lily kissed him on the cheek, the smell of green tea and citrus enveloping Sirius in a familiar hug; James hugged him close but said nothing. 

The room looked the same and even with an open window and a light breeze he could still smell  _ them _ . Fuck, it was surreal; it was James and Lily’s wedding — again — and he was celebrating them with the people he loved most — again — and then some, but this time he had something to look forward to. He had a  _ future _ , a plan that he wanted to stick to desperately: get some things off his chest, straighten them with Remus and then do everything in his power to not end up a miserable twat.

  
  


Surely, thought Remus standing in front of Sirius’ doors, he was there, waiting for him, right? Surely he was as nervous as he was, because even the exams at Hogwarts didn’t make his nerves go so haywire as they did right now.

The first knock was too soft and when he did it for the second time he winced because that was definitely too loud. The third one was supposed to be perfect but before his knuckles touched the wood the door opened and Sirius stood there, hand in his pocket, slightly hunched, looking not as confident as he did downstairs.

“Hi,” he said, almost softly, almost enticingly and Remus had “You don’t need to woo me to bed, we have already done that, Black,” on the tip of his tongue, but one look from Sirius and he promptly swallowed the words with all the rest he wanted to say. 

He knew Sirius, not only intimately, but knew in a way one knows a friend or a family member. Knew in a way one knows when a friend is hurting, knew in how people close to him expressed joy and anger.

Right now Sirius Black was none of those things; he looked like a boy in his first year of Hogwarts who only pretended to be so brash and brave because he didn’t want anybody to hear how he cried at night, alone in his bed.

He knew, because deep inside, between the layers upon layers of the false bravado he stole from the rest of his friends over the years, Remus Lupin felt the same.

With a fast beating heart he moved and when the doors closed, he could hear as the loudest sound. It was now or never, he thought with Sirius so close, heat radiating from him, his breath tickling the hairs on the back of Remus’ neck. If Lupin leaned back just a few inches he knew that Sirius’ arms would wrap around him, that he would kiss the crook of his neck and it took every ounce of self control Remus had not to do just that, for this feeling of want and need not to be overwhelming. 

Seconds went by, then minutes but they did not move. When Remus breathed out Sirius breathed in and it was the only sound that could be heard for what felt like forever.

The slightest touch or Sirius’ fingertips on the low of his back made Remus nearly jump out of his skin and he had to make himself move away, out of range because if Sirius touched him one more time, if he breathed out his name Remus Lupin would stop existing and he would have become everything Sirius wanted him to become.

He licked his lower lip, mouth gone dry as he walked around the bed and stopped in front of the open window.

How much courage did he have? And if he had only sparks of it would it be enough?

He took a breath and in the silent room it sounded like an avalanche. 

“I am so scared,” were the first words that stumbled from his lips, the lock to his secrets opening wide with them as their key. “I am so fucking scared Sirius that if you get too close, that if I let you in you’re going to be so fucking disappointed.” He heard Sirius take a quick breath, he saw his eyes sharpening as if he was about to argue, but with a raised hand Remus stopped him. “Can I…Just listen, alright?” He sighed, the sparks of confidence still smoldering. “I am afraid that when you see how my life looks now you will opt out. I am a writer, that’s a very lonely job which I love. I maybe go twice a year to Diagon Alley, I still got my furry problem and honestly what would a man like you want with somebody like me?” He was proud how his voice only cracked a tiny bit at the end.

“A... a man like me?”

“Oh fo… Yes, a man like you!” Remus made a vague hand gesture towards Sirius. “You have your own successful business, you’re handsome, you’re  _ you,  _ for Merlin’s sake do I really have to spell it out for you?” He started pacing, back and forth, while biting on his lower lip. “And you know, it’s been ten years or more, we’re different people Sirius, what if we’re  _ too _ different?”

It felt heavy to say those words that have stuck with him all this time. Time was the key; it trickled between their fingers, it blew past them like leaves on the wind. It shamped them like water shapes stone over time, seemingly invisible. 

Remus hid his face in his hands. “What if we’re too different? We’re not kids anymore, we have different problems and different issues and I’m afraid that what we have is some kind of infatuation that’s been going on too long and…”

“‘Infatuation,’” Sirius scoffed, shaking his head. “‘Infatuation’, Merlin’s tits Remus are you telling me that what we have, that what I feel towards you that it’s some kind of... “ he paused, seeming speechless, brows furrowed. “Fuck that,” he said suddenly, coming closer, too close; Remus could hear his own heartbeat again, could see the anger and the rage on Sirius’ handsome face, the slanted eyes that were now thunder and lightning during a grueling storm. “No Remus, no, really, fuck this. You don’t get to tell me that my feelings are an ‘infatuation’, Remus, you,” he pointed at Lupin, almost touching him with his finger. “Are not my mother, first of all. Second, if it was what you say it is, we would be over it! We would fuck this thing out of the system in the seventh year, for Merlin’s sake. No, Remus,” he added, softly, intimately. “Remus, I am so terrified. So fucking scared. Because if I, and let’s be honest it’s going to be me and not you, if I fuck this up then I will lose my best friends, my mate for better and worse. If, no,  _ when _ I fuck up this between us it would mean that my parents were right, it would mean that I am a fraud it would mean... “ his voice shook and Remus could feel the tears filling his eyes because Sirius was hurt, looked as if he was about to cry, break to pieces in this B&B in the middle of Scotland and Remus’ couldn’t do much about it. “It would mean that I am not worthy of the most precious person in the world and it scares the  _ shit out of me _ .” The tears were flowing and Sirius sniffed. 

No sound could escape the tightness of Remus throat, so he did the second best thing he could: he slowly wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck, hid his face in the crook of it and they stayed like that for minutes which slowly passed by as the tears flowed. 

“I don’t want to be scared,” said Remus after a while, with Sirius’ arms wrapped around his waist. “I hate it that you’re also, I hate it but... what if we’re supposed to do it like that for a reason? It sounds stupid and silly, but what if we were supposed to be apart to come together again?”

Sirius laughed into Remus’ hair, kissing the side of it. “I like it, you know.” He sighed deeply, seemingly taking the first really deep breath for years. “I really like it.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“We should start slow, then?”

Sirius chuckled. “Well, we kind of did start this whole thing from the wrong angle, although I liked the views I had.”

“Shut up,” said Remus but with no real heat behind his words as he felt his cheeks getting warmer by the second, thinking about the things they did behind closed doors at Hogwarts. They definitely skipped the whole “first: dinner, then maybe something more” part. Definitely.

“Does it mean that I can take you to dinner? Hold your hand?” Sirius unwrapped his arms and leaned back but his hands never left Remus’ hips. “Call you my boyfriend, my sweetie, my babe.”

“Shut up,” Remus punched the other man in his right arm, cheeks lobster red at this point. Sirius laughed and gave Remus a sweet kiss on the cheek. 

“Don’t worry, I will be gentle with you.”

As will I, thought Remus as he finally, finally kissed Sirius with a light heart and no fear. 

  
  
  
  


**EPILOGUE, year and a half later.**

  
  


Remus was nervously pacing the room, back and forth, flicking his wand with almost every turn as he decided what to take on the tour.

Because he was going on a real book tour. For his own book! 

Well, it was only four cities, six if you count the two in the UK and four in the US but still. His publisher and his team believed so much in his small fantasy idea that they were going to promote the shit out of his book and… Remus didn't know if he was ever this happy.

However, right now he was mostly nervous.

“Remus, please, stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy,” said James from his bed, staring at the shirt in front of him, not even looking up.

“Maybe you should get the one without the prints, eh?” Asked Peter from the floor by the bed, looking very intently at two shirts that were almost the same burgundy colour but one had a slight floral pattern and the other one did not. 

Remus chewed on his lower lip, stopping in the middle of the room, looking at the utter mess in front of him. As if his closet blew up, every piece of wardrobe he had has been put on the floor to be carefully inspected: accepted, discarded or left for further inspection. It was all done by two of his best friends as Remus tried to pack his suitcase but almost every shirt he chose was promptly labeled as “not enough” by the two men. 

I am slowly going insane, thought Remus, as suddenly Caesar jumped from his perch on the cat tree and trotted to the main door which seconds later were opened by a wiry looking Sirius. The orange tabby made the usual ‘welcome home!’ cat noises that he made every time Sirius came by, rubbing against Sirius’ legs and the man leaned in for a moment to give the animal a quick scratch.

James and Peter emerged from Remus’ room, eyeing Sirius suspiciously when he didn’t start talking and only stared at them, eyes devoid of life.

“So… How did it go?” Asked James tentatively and Sirius winced as if even hearing his friends’ voice hurt. From a bag he had in his hand he took out a bottle of cheap whisky, uncorked it and drank straight from it, while closing the doors with his right foot.

“Oh shit,  _ that  _ bad?”

Sirius coughed. 

“If I ever see that Umbridge woman again,” Sirius started asking Peter’s question as he put the lid on the whiskey and whipped his mouth. “I swear on Merlin’s beard I’m going to kill somebody. Preferably  _ her _ .”

“But you’re going to open the shop, right?” Remus stepped forward, frowning. For the better part of the last six months Sirius tried his best to open a second bike shop, this one dabbling more in magical motorcycles and other things and it was a nightmare to follow the Ministry’s rules. The amount of paperwork Sirius did in the last three months was bigger than every single book Remus wrote in his entire career. 

When Sirius looked at him a small smile played on his lips and his slanted eyes squinted with delight for a fracture of a second.

“Fuck yes I’m going to, no Ministry woman is going to stop me.”

“Atta boy!” James hit Sirius on his back; the man laughed and swatted his friend’s hand away. It turned out that in his bag Black had more than one whisky and when the evening rolled in, with its sudden temperature drop and howling winds, James and Peter were more than happy to apparate at James’ place. 

The cleaning duty fell on Remus; Sirius was laying on Lupin’s bed, limbs outstretched, hair falling out of his hair tie, looking tired and sleepy. 

“Take those off,” Remus tapped Sirius’ jeans. “You don’t want to fall asleep in your normal clothes again.”

Sirius grumbled something under his breath, yawned and sat up with his feet on the ground. He yawned again, not even bothering to cover his mouth this time, the bastard, and he stretched his arms far behind him. Remus had to look away; it was ridiculous that after all the days, weeks and months they have stayed together Sirius could still make his blood run a little bit faster just by stretching. 

“Remus,” said Sirius from the bed, all serious and sober and Lupin looked up in alarm.  _ Oh shit, was he going to break up with me? _ Was his first thought but no: they promised each other a few months into their relationship after Remus confessed that all this time he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, that they would communicate even if it killed them. So he shut it down, hard, and waited. “I just…” Sirius vaguely waved his hands and yeah, he wasn’t one hundred percent sober. “I just wanted to thank you.”

“T… Thank me?”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded, licking his lower lip. “I couldn’t have done it without you. You were a great help and…” he swallowed nervously. “I have an idea.”

“An idea?”

“Um…” Sirius waited a few seconds then he took a deep and calming breath just as Remus taught him. “So, I was thinking. You have this very nice and cozy flat, I have my open space, but they’re so far away I thought.... Well, with the new shop I have a big back-yard and then there’s this empty building just next to it… if you wanted, maybe we could… fuck,” Sirius closed his eyes as if he was steeling himself for something. “What I want to ask is if you would like to move in with me? Maybe?”

“Of course I would,” said Remus without blinking. “But did you just imply that you are alright with buying a two floor brick building right next to your shop so we could live together?”

“Umm… yes?”

“The two story building that you, if I recall, called ‘ugly like James’ mugg or even worse’ and scoffed when I told you that it had it’s charm because of the vines in the front?”

“Yes?”

“And you’re giving me a choice if I want something completely new, from the foundations to the roof, built in the back of your shop?”

“Yes? Remus, just spill it out I’m really panicking over here!”

“Merlin’s beard Sirius I love you  _ so much _ ,” said Remus passionately and in a blink of an eye he was straddling Black, kissing him.

“Wait, so which one do you want?” asked Sirius breathlessly when they stopped, his hand under Remus’s t-shirt drawing slow circles between his shoulder blades. 

“Oh, I don’t really care as long as I’m living there with you,” answered Remus, kissing Sirius’ left and then right cheek.

“Yeah, but that’s not an answer!”

“Sirius,” Remus took the other man’s face in his hands and looked at him. “Do you really need to know right now? I could live with you even in your shop on the ground floor.”

“Really?”

“You’re really obtuse sometimes,” Remus laughed into the kiss which lasten for a solid minute, all feelings of care and love with the minimum heat. 

They parted lips swollen and red, Remus’ finger in Sirius’ hair. In the beginning it was the best thing to just walk up to Sirius and kiss him, long and slow, without the kiss really leading to anything else. It was a sort of thing Remus had to remind himself about every other day, preferably by kissing the heck out of his boyfriend in his kitchen, or on Potter’s sofa, or in Peter’s corridor, or in Sirius’ bike shop. 

It was still the best thing.

“Alright, we will talk about this tomorrow. Meanwhile, explain why did your wardrobe explode?”

Remus groaned and moved from Sirius' lap to look around his mess of a room to nod in agreement with Sirius’ statement. Yes, his clothes were everywhere.

“James and Peter tried to help me pick out the outfits for the tour.”

Sirius rose from the bed and left a lingering kiss on the back of Remus’ neck. “And did they help you?”

“If they did I would be already packed,” said Remus sourly to which Sirius laughed. 

“Listen, maybe… I know you're nervous and overwhelmed by all of this so please: let me help. I’ll choose your outfits, and you know I will go with the best ones, alright?”

Remus, after a few seconds, nodded with some reluctance. 

“I know you’re nervous but I believe,” continued Sirius, wrapping his arms around Remus and giving his neck another kiss. “That you will dazzle them with your charm and slight awkwardness. And if not, then screw them, your books are good enough to speak for themselves.”

Remus blushed, leaned back and said, quietly, only for Sirius to hear. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” And with a kiss to the top of his head Remus was let go. “And I really need to change, I’m falling asleep standing upright,” he yawned again and undressed himself as Remus watched in amazement that this man, this glorious human being was all his. 

He was aso very curious how Sirius would react to his idea of getting matching tattoos after his tour… But that could wait. 

Right now he watched Sirius Black, his boyfriend, getting ready for bed that they would share in a couple of minutes, after he dealt with the chaos that was currently his room. The thought brought a smile on Remus’ face and true to his words not even ten minutes had passed and he was being spooned by Black. 

He never slept better than in Sirius' arms. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this little fluff piece. When a friends asks you for a smut you agree but you also write a 20k fick around it.
> 
> If you want you can find me on Twitter @patrochilles7


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